How to Build Respect as a Leader (Episode 34)

Transcript

One of the big questions that managers, bosses, leaders ask is, “How do I build respect as a leader? How do I get my team, my people to respect me?”

The first thing we need to point out is that if your people don’t respect you, it’s on you, not them. Just in general, you can’t change and make people do something. But especially as a leader, if you want your people to respect you, you need to focus on what you can do and what you can change where your people would then respect you.

 It’s also important to note that if you are new in your position, then it takes time to build that influence and build that respect. And the things we talk about in this video, you can put into practice so that over time they start respecting you more and more.

If on the other hand, you’ve been in that position a long time and your people don’t respect you, then you really need to look at why they don’t respect you.

What hurts respect

So before we dive into the things you can do to build respect with your team, first let’s look at what people sometimes do to build respect but that doesn’t work out so well.

Being a pushover

First, sometimes people become pushovers to try to get people to like them, to respect them. When people don’t meet expectations, when they have behaviors they shouldn’t, they don’t want to reprimand them or correct them because then they think that people will be mad at them or that it will hurt their respect or influence with them.

Or instead of telling directly what someone needs to do or changes they need to make, they will be indirect about it and suggest or whatever it may be, to try to get the person to do it.

But the thing is, when you’re a pushover, when you say this is the expectation but you let everything slide or you never confront, people don’t respect you for that, they respect you less.

Showing you are in command

Sometimes people try to make people respect them. For example, a new manager may come into a position and they try to show people they’re the boss. They come in and they give the orders, they make the changes, they don’t listen. They’re showing that they’re in command, but that doesn’t build respect.

In fact, people respect them less because they went in that way. When you try to use your position to force people to do things, to make people do it, to make people respect you, that has the opposite effect and people respect you less. You hurt your influence with people. You don’t want to do that.

Putting on a false leader facade

Sometimes people have a false image of what they think a leader is in their mind and they try to live up to that standard and try to put on that facade.

So for example, they may think that leaders always have the answers and never make mistakes. So when they don’t know something, they won’t admit it. When they make a mistake, they hide it. And what that does is it hurts that influence and hurts that respect instead of helping.

 Because leadership isn’t about knowing everything or never making a mistake. You’re not expected to know everything and it’s expected you’ll make mistakes. What’s expected is that you’re honest and truthful, and when you’re not, that hurts you.

Separating yourself

With that, sometimes leaders try to separate themselves from the people that are under them. By trying to avoid being too friendly, they end up hurting themselves by that separation.

How to build respect

So, if those things don’t work, what should you do to build respect as a leader?

Make sure your motive and mentality is correct

The first thing you should do is make sure your motive and mentality is right.

You see, sometimes leaders come in with this mentality of that leadership is about them, and it’s about their power and status. It’s them and their respect they get, prestige. It’s what they can get out of the position. Or it’s a reward for all their hard work.

But if you go into it that way, not only is it going to hurt your ability to perform and get results, people see that. People know that you’re about yourself and not the team or the mission. And when they see that, that will hurt your influence and respect with them.

You want to have the mentality of service. You’re about serving the mission and you’re about helping your team and serving the team so that they can accomplish the mission. Your focus is helping people do that, not about serving you.

And if you’re about that and about helping them be their best and accomplish their mission and do their work, then that’s going to build respect from them toward you.

Be humble

You also should be humble as a leader. The best leaders are humble.

And sometimes people get humility wrong. They see humility in the wrong way. They see it as being pitiful or a pushover or something of that nature. But that’s not humility.

Humility is recognizing that you’re fallible, that you don’t know all the answers, that you need help at times.

So when you’re humble, you’re someone who listens. You recognize, “Hey, I don’t have all the answers.” You listen to other people. You get their suggestions. You know your idea may not be the best and you listen to other ideas. You get input from people. You focus on serving instead of being served.

Listen well

And with that, to be a leader who builds respect, you should be a leader who also listens well. You get input from other people. You accept disagreement. You ask for feedback. And when people give you feedback, you accept it. You don’t always have to agree with it, but you can say thank you.

When you argue or when you get defensive, that just pushes people away. But when you’re someone who truly listens and curious and is humble and believes other people have great ideas and get their input and implement what you can, that builds respect with your people.

Admit your mistakes

You also want to be someone who admits their mistakes. As we mentioned before, when you try to hide it, it just hurts you. People recognize it, it makes you seem fake. People respect you less, and it hurts your influence with others.

This doesn’t mean you go out and every single mistake you make, “Hey, I made a mistake.” No, but when you make a mistake and others see it, or you mess up, you can say to people, “Hey, I was wrong, I messed up. This is what we’re going to do to fix it.”

Admit when you don’t know

In the same vein, when you don’t know something, ask. When you ask and say you don’t know something and ask for people’s input, people in general respect you more for that, and it can build that respect with them.

Be about solutions and learning from mistakes, not blame and punishment

You also want to be about solutions, not blame.

When something goes wrong, your focus shouldn’t be finding who to blame. Your focus should be, okay, how can we solve it? And if someone did make a mistake, your focus isn’t, okay, let me get this person, let me punish him. Your focus should be helping them learn from that mistake so they don’t make it again.

Because mistakes are part of everyday life. We all make mistakes. Especially if you want your people to innovate and pursue new ideas and things of that nature, mistakes are going to happen. If they’re learning something, mistakes are going to happen.

Don’t be about punishing mistakes. Be about helping people learn from their mistakes.

To paraphrase what Ray Dalio said in his book, Principles, you want a culture where it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s not okay to not learn from them. Let your people know mistakes are okay, and be about helping them learn, not getting them when they mess up.

Take ownership and pass credit

You also want to be someone when there’s a problem, or there’s a mistake, or failure, that you take ownership of it. And then when things go well, you pass the credit to other people, you pass it to your team.

Jim Collins in Good to Great gives the example of the mirror and the window. He found that the great leaders in his study, when things went well, they looked out the window and they looked at other people and passed the credit to other people or circumstances or what have you. But when things went poorly, they looked in the mirror and looked at themselves to see what changes they need to make or what they needed to do.

The not as good leaders did the opposite. When things went poorly, they looked out the window and cast blame on other people for the problem. But when things went well, they looked in the mirror and looked at how wonderful they were because obviously it was them that made it happen.

A great way to lose respect from your team is to blame them when things go wrong and to take credit when things go well. Do the opposite.

And again, it’s not about blame, it’s about finding a solution and solving it.

Be trustworthy

Another step that you need to take, one of the most important, is to be a person that your team can trust. If they can’t trust you, why would they respect you? Why would you expect to have influence over them if they can’t trust what you say or that you will follow through in what you say you’re going to do? If you can’t keep confidences, why are they going to respect you?

You want to be someone who does what’s right, even when it’s hard, even when nobody’s looking. You want to be a person that they know when you say you’re going to do something, that you’re going to do it. That when you say something, they know it’s true. That when they say something in confidence, they know that you’re going to keep that confidence.

Being a person they can trust builds respect with your team.

Build relationships and care

You also want to be someone who cares about your team and builds relationships with them. Leadership book after leadership book talks about the importance of relationships with your people.

This doesn’t mean your BFFs or that you’re hanging out with them every weekend, but that means that you care about them and get to know them. You learn about their goals, and, when you can, you try to help them meet their goals. You care about them as people and respect them. You know their names and about the things going on in their lives.

Think about this from yourself. If you have a boss who doesn’t really care about you at all, doesn’t know anything about you, just tells you what to do and that’s it, leaves you alone, do you have much respect for that person? Probably not a lot.

Communicate well

You also want to be someone who communicates well. If you don’t communicate well, that creates frustration, it builds distrust, and that can hurt the respect and influence you have with people. When you hide information, when you hoard it because of power or insecurity or because you just don’t think they need it, you end up just hurting yourself.

You want to share information openly and freely as much as you can, because the more you share information, the more you give, the more information they have to do a better job and to make better decisions. And they also feel trusted because of that, because you’re sharing that information, which again builds respect. So be good about communicating information and being clear.

Make sure expectations are clear

And with that, make sure that you set clear expectations. When expectations aren’t clear, again, it just creates confusion. People do something they think they’re supposed to do, then it turns out it’s not what they’re supposed to do. Or they’re supposed to be going this way and it’s supposed to be really that way and people have to redo things and it creates uncertainty and again, frustration.

So make sure you’re clear about your expectations.

Hold people accountable and deal with problems promptly

You also want to be someone who holds people accountable and deals with problems promptly.

Sometimes people think caring about people and holding them accountable are two opposite things But that’s not true. If you care about someone, you want them to be their best, so you will give them feedback so that they can be their best.

Really you want a culture where feedback is normal, where people are sharing positive and negative feedback, so people know that they’re doing well and know how they can improve. For you, you have these expectations and you hold people to them. You’re about helping people learn and get better and meet those expectations.

If someone doesn’t meet it, you don’t do them a favor by not saying anything. You do them a favor by letting them know they’re not there and helping them get there. And if really they find out they can’t be someone who meets the expectation, that they’re not a good fit for the job, then the best thing you can do if you’ve done all you can to help them grow is to release them or help them find another spot that they can thrive in.

Because if you don’t hold people to expectations, other people see it.You say this is the expectation, but you let people slide here and you don’t say anything, what does that say to the rest of the team? When someone they know needs to be let go, whether because of just they’re not able to meet it or because of certain behaviors and you don’t do anything, what message does that send to your team?

Do you think they respect you for saying one thing and doing another? No, that’s going to hurt it. So be someone who deals with problems.If certain behaviors that come along, you deal with them, you deal with them promptly and with dignity and treating people well, but you deal with them.

Show appreciation

Another great tool to build respect is to show appreciation to people. Appreciation is a powerful tool that many people don’t use well. When you show appreciation, it validates people in what they’re doing and it also reinforces the behaviors that you want.

In different surveys, many people have said they would work harder if they were given appreciation. Many people have quit their jobs because they didn’t feel appreciated. If you want to build that respect and build that influence, be someone who shows appreciation to their team.

Show trust

And lastly, be someone who shows trust to their team. If you don’t show trust in your team, then that’s going to hurt their trust in you and will hurt their respect towards you and your influence with them.

If you feel like you have to control everything that they do and micromanage them or create a bunch of rules to make sure they do what they’re supposed to do, you’re just hurting yourself and the organization and the team. You’re hurting everything by acting that way.

What you want to do is set clear expectations, train them, give them the resources they need, give them the direction they need, communicate well, and then release them to do their work, to make decisions in their work, to trust them to make good decisions based on the guidelines you give, based on the communication, based on the purpose that you give of what they’re supposed to do, to make good decisions and do great work.

Yes, you follow up. Yes, you check in with them, but you’re not about controlling them. You’re about helping them.

Now, these were a lot of steps that you can take to build respect with your team.