How NOT to Give Feedback (Episode 42)

Listen on your favorite app:

Listen on Apple Podcasts
Listen on iHeartRadio
Listen on Google POdcasts
Listen on Spotify
Listen on Amazon

Transcript

How you give feedback matters, and often we can do it wrong. We’re going to talk about ways you do it wrong, so that if you’re doing it, you can recognize it, so that you can do something different.

1. You gunnysack feedback

The first way we can give feedback wrong is by gunny-sacking the feedback. And this is what I mean by gunny sacking. Let’s say you’re a manager and you have an employee who is not doing things well. But instead of talking to that employee, you just keep a record in your mind of everything they do wrong.

So they didn’t do the report right, they didn’t do the phone call right, and you have a record of things for multiple weeks of things they’ve done wrong, but you’ve never said anything. But one day they come to you and they say, “Hey, I have this issue about blah, blah, blah, blah,” and you suddenly be like, “Whoa, wait a minute, you have an issue, let me pull out the list of all the things you’ve done wrong.”

That’s what it means to gunnysack. You get a record of all the wrongs and you hold it in until a point comes where you explode and let it all out.

That’s not helpful. That’s not good. I’ve had that done to me, and it’s not fun. And it takes it away from the issue that the other person may be having if that’s what’s going on at that time.

2. You give the silent treatment

Second is the silent treatment. Sometimes when people get upset with someone, and they should be giving them feedback, instead they try to hint at the person by suddenly avoiding them or being silent with them.

So instead of talking to them, they give them the silent treatment. They avoid them. And then they expect the other person to know why they’re acting that way just because they’re doing it.

Don’t do that. Why should you expect them to know why you’re giving them that treatment if you don’t say what they’re doing wrong?

3. You are vague

Then there’s generalization. Let’s say you came to me and you told me, “Hey Thomas, you stink.” Or you said, “Your work is sloppy.” Or “Your behavior is terrible.”

Now, what feedback did you really give me? Do I really understand what I’m doing wrong? No, you’re just giving me generalities. If you really want me to change, you want to be specific about what I did in my work that was wrong or with my behavior, what specific behaviors am I doing that’s not good.

Just saying “you stink” or “it’s bad” isn’t helpful. You have to be specific.

4. You avoid the conversation

Then there’s avoidance. Sometimes people are afraid of conflict. Sometimes they’re afraid of the uncomfortable feeling that comes with giving people feedback.

So instead of dealing with it, they just avoid the conversation and hope it gets better. But the problem is when you do that, it usually gets worse instead.

Avoiding it in general isn’t helpful. You have to deal with it.

5. You’re indirect

Then there’s being indirect. Instead of just saying plainly what the issue is or how someone can improve and so on, you try to hint at it. You’re indirect.

“Well, it would be nice if, I don’t know, there were no spelling errors on the report” or whatever it may be. You’re just trying to hint that maybe they can fix it or do better instead of being straight up about it.

The problem is when you’re indirect, sometimes, often, people don’t get it. They don’t realize what you’re saying and it’s unfair to hold someone accountable to some indirect feedback that you give. Instead, you want to be direct and specific.

6. You’re passive-aggressive

Being passive aggressive in your feedback is similar to being indirect. It may be saying something like, “It sure would be great if people turn their reports in on time.”  Don’t do that. Don’t be passive aggressive. Be straightforward. Be direct.  

7. You give a diatribe

Then there’s the diatribe, and it’s where you just go on and give a long spill about everything they’re doing wrong. You just go on and go on and go on.

“I can’t believe you did that. The spelling is terrible, the formatting is terrible, my goodness, you just need to go back to school and go get grammar classes and get your editing done because you don’t even know how to do this at all. I mean, I can keep going on with how terrible you…”

Don’t do that. That’s not helpful in any way. You want to be specific and clear about the behavior observed and what they can do to improve. Going on the rant helps no one.

8. You label

Then there’s labeling. Sometimes, as they’re focusing on someone’s behavior, we attribute their behavior to their character. So instead of saying someone is sloppy in their work, we say they’re lazy.

Or we say someone is a jerk. Or we say… whatever it may be, we label these people with these terms, and then we start judging them based off their terms, instead of just dealing with the behaviors.

You don’t label, you deal with the behavior.

9. You name call

Similarly is name calling. Just don’t do it. Don’t call people names.

10. The sandwich

There’s also the sandwich. And the sandwich is this. You give a positive something they’re doing, then you put in the complaint or whatever issue they’re having, and then you put another positive to try to sweeten up the negative you’re giving them.

Don’t do that. And there’s multiple reasons why, but one big issue is if the only time you show appreciation is when you’re about to give them feedback, that appreciation doesn’t mean much. And not only that, even if you do give appreciation pretty frequently, just trying to stack it there, people know it’s fake and they don’t focus on that, they focus on the criticism.

Instead, you want a culture where feedback’s normal, people have a growth mindset, and you can just talk to one another about, “Hey, this is how you can grow, this is how you can improve,” and so on. You don’t want a situation where you feel like you have to butter it up to make the feedback better.

11. Your passive

And speaking of buttering it up, don’t be passive about it either. Don’t be like, “So you are so wonderful, and it’s just that, you know, it’s just a tiny thing, not a big deal, you know, you’re just kinda like late 30 minutes to work every single day for the past month. Not a big deal. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. It’d just be nice, you know, if maybe you kind of, I don’t know, got to work on time. But you’re a great person”.

12. You make assumptions

Then there’s the assumption. The assumption is where you’re assuming the why of the behavior or the actions these people are taking. So, when they’re sloppy or they’re late, you assume you know why and then you start talking to them based on why.

Whether it’s you think they’re lazy or because they just don’t know how to do it or whatever it may be, you assume, so you base your feedback on that assumption instead of asking questions and learning why.

Now, all those things are ways that we shouldn’t give feedback. And if you do that, you’re hurting yourself whether you’re a manager, boss, leader, or just as a person.

Instead, we need to give feedback right.

Scroll to Top