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In This Episode:
Dr. John Gottman’s research on marriage found that the first three minutes of a conversation can predict how it ends, and even predict divorce years later. This episode applies that finding to leadership: how to start hard conversations well, how to separate facts from the stories we tell ourselves, and how to recover when a conversation starts badly.
What You’ll Learn
- Why Gottman’s marriage research on “harsh startups” applies directly to leadership conversations, and how tone and body language can undercut even the right words
- How to get yourself right before a hard conversation: checking your motive, calming down, and approaching with curiosity instead of certainty
- How to separate facts from the stories we tell ourselves about someone’s intentions, using the Actions, Impact, Assumption framework
- A specific way to open a tough conversation: state the facts first, then offer your interpretation tentatively rather than as settled truth
- Paul Falcone’s “perception problem” framing as an alternative to attacking someone’s character
- What to do if you started a conversation poorly, and how to de-escalate when someone else starts one poorly with you
Resources Mentioned
Carrère & Gottman, “Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion” (1999): https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-research-predicting-divorce-among-newlyweds-from-the-first-three-minutes-of-a-marital-conflict-discussion/
Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
101 Tough Conversations to Have with Employees by Paul Falcone
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss